Anonymous hackers sent me some chat logs from IRC from who they believe is Michael Phelps and Bob Bowman talking about a comeback. Boy, these two are nothing what we think they are. Oh, and quite possibly Susan Woesner of USA Swimming's Safe Sport arm shows up as well!
<<***Bob_CoachDaddy> has entered the room
<<***GAOAT> has entered the room
<<***RL_Jeah> has entered the room>
<<***Pete_the_Van> has entered the room>
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> Hey Michael. What a bad day it’s been! I come to the pool and all my male age groupers do is talk about this cartoon called My Little Pony’ or “Ponyville” and this “Friendship is Magic” crap. It’s really pissing me off. They are not acting like boys, they should be talking about Call of Duty frags or something. They have now turned my kick sets into a social kicking party and they sing songs to the cartoon as well. It’s driving me crazy, driving me nuts. How long will it take for this Pony-crap to run it’s freaking course?
<<*GAOAT> I don’t know, Bob. Probably like a few more years. I mean Sailor Moon took a whole decade or so before it finally ran it’s course.
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> Yeah, whatever, Sailor Moon. You bet… So, speaking about kick sets, These boys need a better role model out there in the pool. Somebody much more inspiring than pink & blue horses that eat glitter for breakfast and fart rainbows & stars into the sky at lunch. Our team, our pool needs… Well, even America needs some inspiration. We need the Greatest Athlete of All Time to come back and show us all how it is done. And that person is Mr. Michael Frederick Phelps the II. You with me? We were taking about you returning to the pool Last week and you said you would show up on Monday but I didn’t see you this morning. Any explanation?
<<*Pete_da_Van> Bob, Sailor Moon was great show and deserve all the accolades and the national syndication it deserved.
<<*RL_Jeah> JEAH! Sailor Moon!!!!!!!!!!!
<*RL_Jeah> Fighting evil by moonlight
<<*Pete_the_Van> Winning love by daylight
<<*Pete_the_Van> Never running from a real fight
<<*GAOAT> She is the one named Sailor Moon.
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> has left the room
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<<***Bob_CoachDaddy> has entered the room
<<***GAOAT> has entered the room
<<*GAOAT> Hey Bob,it’s me. I’m coming to you with my tail between my legs. I am going to need your help? I gotta figure out how I am going to do this and I’m scared. I’ve know I’ve done it four-times before but I don’t know if I can do it again. I need your help, Bob. It’s bad this time, and I need that intellectual magic, the guidance and that experience of yours to figure this all out.
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> Ahhh, the Prodigal son has returned. Thank you Michael. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I knew you would make the right choice. You have so much talent, I have all the confidence in the world we can do this again and we will do it better. YEssss. Thank you God!
<<*GAOAT> Okay, this is what I need…
I am so glad you finally made you contact. I was so worried. I have not slept in three days, and I am tired all the time. Yesterday when I was on deck yawning, I accidentally swallowed my whistle. You know what it is like swallowing a whistle? Every time I burped I sounded like I just got kick in the nuts.
<<*GAOAT> To much information, Bob.
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> You’re right! Never mind. Enough about my problems. Don’t worry Mike, it’s going to be OK… We start out with building a base, then some daily stretching with some light weights.
<<*GAOAT> You don’t understand. I want to get this wired and not screw it up. There are huge pluses and minus here that I don't fully grasp. Bob, I gotta do this right.
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> There is only pluses here, Mike, and your mom will love Brazil.
<<*GAOAT> Bob, This is not about swimming. I am trying to wire these speakers I just got in the mail from Amazon. Do I put + wire into the - holes, and - wire into the + holes?
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> You’re kidding me right?
<<*GAOAT> No, I am not. Little Wayne is coming over and I’m afraid if I get it wrong his music will play backwards like I am Satanic or something.
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> has left the room
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<<***GAOAT> has entered the room
<<***Bob_CoachDaddy> has entered the room
<<*GAOAT> Hey, Bob! Great job at that age grouper meet. The kid has a great backstroke.
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> Thanks, Michael, I will tell him you said so. He will be so flattered. Why don't you come back and join us? You might have some fun yourself. How bout tomorrow. I will set it up with your agent and we will send out a press release.
<<*GAOAT> Did you celebrate?
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> Oh, we sure did but it didn’t work out too well for me!
<<*GAOAT> What do you mean?
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> I stopped at CVS and I bought a couple cases of Coca-Cola and those really hot Doritos that the kids like. I get myself some Mountain Dew so I can wake up a little bit. (The whistle is still driving me crazy) Anyway, one of kids thinks it would be really funny to shake up one of cans of Mountain Dew and have it spray all over the place when I open it.
So we go in the office to watch some of the meet video on my laptop and everything is going fine. Everybody is swimming well, having fun, laughing, and then this kid hands me THE can of Mountain Dew; (of course it’s one set to splash and fizz all over), and like a sucker I take it.
<<***SafeSport-COP_SharonStone> has entered the room
So I am watching this kid on the laptop, and I pull it open and it explodes all over the keyboard and the monitor! I am like Oh God, Oh, God, Oh God. So I grab it really it fast turn it upside down and try to shake it all out. And the kids are all screaming and running for the door and I just want to tear into them.
<<*SafeSport-COP_SharonStone> You are a sick, sick man, BOB! I will be calling you at high-noon tomorrow, pervert! And you better pick up!
<<***SafeSport-COP_SharonStone>has left the room
<<***Irv-Muchnik> has entered the room
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> What did I say? What did I do? Hey, is that Muchnik that just enter the room? Oh [Expletive deleted]
<<***Bob_CoachDaddy> has left the room
<<***GAOAT> has left the room
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<<***GAOAT> has entered the room
<<***Bob_CoachDaddy> has entered the room
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> Just got off the phone with USA Swimming's Safe Sport division. Talk about something taken out of context. WOW! - Let's cut the crap, Micheal. I have been punished enough. Doctor "Rear Admiral" says the whistle is stuck inside my colon and you don't want to know what it sounds like when I break wind or what it's going to take to pull it out.
Yes-or No? Do you want to come back and swim? I need closure, Michael.
<<*GAOAT> No, I don't want to.
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> I figured that. I will leave you alone. Send your mother my best, she is a good woman.
<<*GAOAT> But I am coming back. I am going to jump into the pool. Swim everything you tell me to swim. I am going to measure my words. Pretend I am the male version of "Missy Franklin" and I promise that everything that comes out of my mouth with be all about truth, justice and the USA Swimming way. I will be a good sport. Make no excuses and I will swim all the relays you put me on. Then I will wrap myself in the American flag, win or lose, and smile as best that I can and force myself to go to the closing ceremonies and pretend I am the happiest man in the world.
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> Why, Michael? Why do this to yourself?
<<*GAOAT> Because I learned that happiness is overrated. Right now I am getting nothing done but getting good at a couple of recreational sports. Unfortunately, I can't do anything else but be an icon, a swimmer, or both. If I swim, my mother and sisters will never be wanting for food or shelter, and those watching me will get a little inspiration or some relief.
<<*Bob_CoachDaddy> I will see you at 6:00 AM tomorrow morning. Oh... Thanks Mike.
<<*GAOAT>>; APRIL FOOLS, SUCKER!
