Friday, June 10, 2011

Which swimmers would make the best secret agents?

This article is meant as a bit of satire with a dash of humor. If I "outed" the cover of any secret agent listed below, then stick to your day job! :-P

10) Larsen Jensen

Our latest navy SEAL: He probably knows 2,000 ways to blow something up and can probably put a bullet through a quarter a mile away. He may not be a secret agent yet but he's qualified now.

9) Janet Evans

Are you seriously buying her housewife cover! Think Angelina Jolie with Brad Pitt in that hit-man movie. She also does some work for FINA which is a very, scarlet, red, flag!

8) Dara Torres

The "6-million dollar woman" - you know those multiple surgeries and her "yoga minions" created a uber-spy of UFO-grade quality!

7) Gary Hall

Double agent: converted by the "good guys" to tell it like it is. Could he have been the first double agent to bring to light how badly paid our USA athletes are? Politically assassinated at the Athens Games missing out on a relay that he should have swam on.

6) Nick Brunelli

He is the diplomat kind of secret agent. Think "Machiavelli" with muscles. Disarms enemies with good vibes and encouragement and then once they are being so very charmed by his "charisma distortion field," they tell him everything that he needs to know just so that can hang out that a little while longer.

5) Alexander Popov

Well, he cruised through the gatekeepers in Lausanne, Switzerland and got a job deep inside the "Castle FINA!" How is that for some weaponized, espionage, credibility?

4) Chloe Sutton

God and country, baby! - Truth Justice and the American way too! Chloe would be the female version of Jack Ryan, the hero from the Tom Clancy novels as portrayed by Harrison Ford in the movies. In fact, if Captain America were a girl she would be it.

3) Michael Phelps

Ever seen a Get Smart episode? He's clumsy, always saves the day, utilizes weird gadgets and girls that are way out of his league are attracted to him.

2) Jason Lezak

Two words Mission Impossible: Just a regular guy living in So Cal swims the fastest 100-free ever and defeats several empires in the process. You know he can do a bunch of other stuff better than Tom Cruise!

1) Ian Thorpe

Common wealth breeding, kicks it with royalty, hangs out in New York, West L.A., Japan, yet trains in Switzerland. You know he is hearing secrets and what a great cover he has: Internationally recognized swimmer, ambassador for Omega, plus he is a snappy dresser too.


Anonymous said...

Great post Tony, yeah could certainly see Thorpe playing an aquatic James Bond. Noticed Lochte didn't make the cut for some reason? :)....

Tony Austin said...

Ryan belongs on the "Ridgemont High" alumni list. ;-)

Chloe Sutton said...

Oh NO! My cover is blown! haha :)

Chloe Sutton said...

Oh NO! My cover is blown! haha :)

Anonymous said...

haha!!! so true about Ryan. Spicoli right? If you have ever spent time with him it is sooooo true...Jeah!